Somebody Please Help Me!!!!

as you can see I'm sure I've been having trouble
adding names to the list, therefore i think everyone
just got like 3 of the same emails. For those just
added please just pick someone on the list and have
them forward you the others, it would take me to long
and these last few days have been too ridiculous to
cut short. but first some good excerpts about the
sights for my mom and Pop’s: for all you soviet
sympathizers I went to the Kirov museum maybe the best
museum yet complete with the jacket and hat he was
wearing when he died (bullet hole intact)
interestingly enough this is paired with the "soviet
schooling museum" which highlights achievements in
soviet education system good stuff lots of propaganda.
Very very in your face attendants but fun. then we
went to Pavlovsk yesterday which was beautiful, and
warm (1 degree) we went all around the park which was
filled with jolly Russians playing in the snow,
tobogganing and troika rides (we did a bit of sledding
ourselves and I crossed my first frozen river)
We also went to the Engineer’s Castle, which was a
former tsarist palace until Paul was murdered there
and no Romanov would set foot in it. Frankly I don’t
understand why we did either, apart from it being mid
restoration (most of the Palace looked like an
abandoned office, except for the rooms where there
were big surly workmen chain smoking, mixing paint and
chasing vodka with instant coffee) it was also hosted
by the most overly interested guide in Russia, I don’t
think many people go to this museum, he was telling
the most detailed boring stories, not about the murder
of the tsar or the engineers school that was here
before, instead he was talking about the reproduction
paintings, it was awful, not to mention we were forced
to here it twice once from him in Russian and then
again in English.
Enough romantic guidebook crap here we go: Saturday
night: we'd been planning on going to this Irish pub
all week, which we'd heard had the finest hamburgers
in all of mother Russia. after a nice 10 block walk
(the subway system has one flaw: the city center is
not involved) we get there and it's packed and no one
will give us the time of day (happens when Americans
roll in 15 deep in Russian bars) but we eventually and
miserably find some seats which they promptly mark
reserved (subtle hint) but we're here and staying here
at least for a beer, then someone orders one of the
burgers. It looks like one of those meals that if you
eat it you get free, this place was home of the ten
inch... hamburger (a little Adrian’s love there) so we
finally got into the pub style ate some burgers
watched Manchester United and had a good time.
But we had another bar to go to that we'd read about
in a guide book, so we go there or at least close to
it we had to ask directions in Russian from to Russian
women translation: "excuse me do you know where "the
scenic" is?" "no what is it" "it's a bar" "oh a bar,
follow us we're going to very popular Russian bar" I
know what your thinking great culture opportunity.
outside this looks like an excellent bar, it's in a
basement, many people and cars outside awesome. we go
inside and it is... a strip bar, what the F&*$^ck are
you kidding me?? again?? well so we decide to stay,
we've kinda made friends with the Russians and why not
if the girls don't mind neither do we. first rule
about strip bars... if the women aren't taking off
there clothes it's not a strip bar. “so where are we?”
we begin to wonder, just a dance bar with half naked
girls table dancing?? then one of our more eager
classmates tries to pick up a Russian girl and we
discover yep… it's a brothel. 5 outta 8 girls are
escorts. things are getting weirder, but hey this is
what Russia is all about right (Keith had just asked
me earlier that evening about the human trafficking
aspect of Russia, apparently he saw something on 60
minutes)... we decide to stay, then one of the girls
gets propositioned, that's right a man wanted to buy
her for his son (it musta been something with the
lighting and the extreme security of the place because
all this sounds a lot sketchier than it was) she
kindly refused. Then not ten minutes later the same
girl goes to the bar and orders a 2 drinks and is 10
roubles short, she turns to see if one of us can cover
her when the man next to her grabs her breast and
hands her a ten rouble note, needless to say that
didn’t go over well.
things were weird no doubt about it, but how could
they get more interesting?? I can only imagine that
the owner's thought pattern goes something like this:
"well we're catering to one indulgence why not add
another, and i find food network fascinating!!" yep
they wheel out a hotplate and food, stop the dancing
and music and bring out a chef "everybody pause for
the cooking demo" needless to say that was the last
straw, half naked women, Russian grandma
transvestites, prostitutes, propositions that's all
well and good but when you start making stir fry at 1
am it's time for the Americans to jet cause obviously
this is gonna only get weirder.
9 people 2 taxi's (or actually in Russia you just
take a car) 2 rules
1.split the military into two cars incase there's any
trouble
2. split the Russian linguists into two cars to help
the military boys in case of hostage negotiations.
so that was our Saturday evening anybody able to beat
that??? Now as you can see we've been having some
interesting experiences with safety as a group. one
guy here who lives off campus was walking to his house
when a man asked him for a light, (john at the time
had a laptop and a wallet with a bunch of cash on him)
and the man proceeded to mug him and take his hat,
gloves, and watch (quite honestly way more valuable
than any money are the hat and gloves).
Then one of those loud obnoxious Aussie’s that lived
down the hall and think the world is there playground,
was cold and drunk the other night5 and decided that
the best way to remedy this situation was to go to the
local police station (as Jarrod put it "if you've ever
watched discovery channel you know that's a bad idea")
next thing you know he's got a gun pointed at his head
and his cell phone is "confiscated". so perhaps safety
is not this city's strongpoint.
and just because i can here are a few more culture
shock moments I bought fish sticks thinking they were
mozzarella sticks or chicken (it's really tough to
tell sometimes), Jarrod tried to cook a pizza in a
frying pan (caution men cooking) somebody bought
moisturizer instead of shampoo, it just never ends oh
and my roommate ate some salami the other day followed
by a few hours later "i think that's the kinda sausage
you're supposed to cook" this shit happens like 4
times a day in the dorms did i mention jarrod and the
nutmeg?? i think i did. another interesting problem
for us: we still have yet to find a bar a real Russian
bar, it's either been the British pub (which comes
complete with British prices), strip joint, House of
ill repute, or the most commonly frequented one
casino's which are just slot machines skeevy gamblers
and high security which kicks us out once they realize
we're just there for a piva.
well that might be all i have to say. keep your
emails coming i like to think I’m not boring you all
to death. oh and I did laundry this morning and for 60
extra rubes you get the real deal, this little old
babushka does your laundry for you (while
chain-smoking like 4 packs an hour so your laundry
might not have the "febreeze fresh" smell) and she
folds it all military style, unreal. oh and the cafe
downstairs yeah I get a double espresso (straight from
Italia) for get this 10 rubles which is approximately
33 cents sometimes there is this attendant who only
charges 9 rubles too (I’d tell her to charge me the
normal price but my Russian consists of just adding
-ski to the end of each word) byski fromski elski


One down 15 to go(sorry I fucked up, this is supposed to be another entry)



yep that's right folks somebody's out of the race
she's going home. (she was the early favorite for the
early return flight and stuck it out and won the prize
for early return) Krystle: what she is doing on a
Russian trip in the first place was a mystery to us
all. She was the reason for so few phone calls home
from the rest of us because she occupied the phone
meant to be shared by the 30 odd students of our floor
about 12 hours a day leaving the rest of us very
kindly that 12 hour window between 11:30 pm and 11:30
am when all of you are asleep. She only ate at
McDonalds same as at home apparently, in fact her
doctor after clocking her cholesterol at 255 (or as he
put: that of a 70 year old man) reduced her to only
the fish sandwich. When she did go out it was 3 sheets
to the wind and she was asking "Who's your favorite
general???? mine's Patton what about you jarrod?? is
it the desert fox?" she's leaving on Tuesday after an
evening out with the Estonians on our floor which no
one has been able to find out what happened except
they were stopped by the police 3 separate times.
needless to say we're all thrilled.
yesterday those moving into home stay went to dinner
at their houses to meet the families and those who
weren't buddied up. I went with my roommate Patrick,
as you can imagine I didn't have a lot to say... no
Russian and Patrick’s fluentish. I only made one
sentence before I quit trying because I was due for an
international incident. I meant to say I think St.
Petersburg is very cold (my teacher has taught us all
of 3 useful things to say) but mistook the word for
cold with that for BAD!!! yeah I was done after that.
after a wonderfully awkward meal where the host had to
stand and eat while Patrick, myself and her 2
daughters crammed around the dinner table we sat down
for some small talk, the girls had to be evicted for
the chairs. Patrick who usually doesn't speak at all
was forced to carry the load, and instead of talking
about himself or music (he's a pianist and she's a
professional violinist) he starts talking about me.
Nothing more pleasant than sitting in on a
conversation about yourself and only understanding
like 3 words. So of course he tells her I love
Dostoevsky, oh shit you done opened a whole new can of
worms there. "I no like Dostoevsky, please why would
you like him?" gee thanks Patrick we talked a bit
about literature (it turns out that she can speak
English at least a little bit but the program pays her
to keep it hush hush) and I managed once again to
escape unscathed. then for the next 2.5 hours i was
subjected to Patrick on the piano (which was nice)
then the girls came in and played with him (also very
nice) and then the mother went crazy and began
scolding everyone (including Patrick) about not
playing correctly (this was less nice). overall though
a fun evening, especially when you compare it with
some of the other experiences.
Jarrod tagged along with a girl to a rich babushka's
house (her son is a Russian pop singer and the whole
apartment looks like a groupie lives there) where not
only did the 88 year old babushka rip her shirt open
at the table saying it was hot (yeah apparently she's
a little crazy) but this morning he was sick off of
the beats he'd eaten (the girl was a vegetarian so
they got only beats and bread). another girl's
babushka explained that she does only two things stays
in the apartment and uses the telephone and goes to
the store "nahodka" down stairs. Most of the meal was
spent pointing out which items came from nahodka and
which from other markets.
Finally I think it might be time to explain one of my
favorite terms Babushka'ed: to berated or attacked by
a belligerent grandma. how often does this happen you
ask??? often, very often. one day we were waiting for
some of us to finish grocery shopping and not wanting
to get cold we stayed inside this little mall area,
sure enough a little 4'7" babushka came right out of
her stall screaming at us in Russian. This was like
day 6 so no one knew what to do or what she was saying
so we just kept saying da, da and since there was
about 7 of us it must have been rather amusing.
another example is one girl was sitting on the subway
next to a young man when a babushka came on board and
rather than ask the young man for his seat she started
screaming at the girl and lecturing that because
babushka's used to make her move as a child (I imagine
that was pre revolution) she always made women move
(the man seemed to really enjoy the scene) and of
course I myself am Babushka’ed nearly everyday when I
go to class with Tatyana who just belligerently yells
net net net at me and jarrod for 3 hours.
yesterday jarrod and I hoofed it all around the city
and went up to the top of the cathedral and took some
amazing photographs and visited the ice palace (yeah
it was crazy, complete with elephant slide) someday I
will post them on the internet but probably not till I
return home sorry. tomorrow we go to the philharmonic
(yawn) and next week we go to Novgorod. Interestingly
enough we have thurs and fri off for men's day this
week (you only get one day off for women's day, but
that's probably to make up for the fact that women
live like an extra 30 years over men here) I think
that might be all I have for now. peace ellski